A parallel universe?

I have been struggling for a few weeks with a case of writers block.  So many people have been asking me to update my blog and describe my experiences these last 3 months.  I have sat down in front of my computer aiming to put together a perfectly worded, eloquent, descriptive summary of my journey thus far.  But I just can not seem to do it. 

What can I hear?  What can't I hear?  What do I want to hear?  Let's not forget what I don't want to hear (if I had a dime for every fart joke I've heard, I could retire!!).  It would be easy for me to come up with lists.  

However, I want to put together more than a bunch of sounds lined up neatly next to bullet points.  Part of the problem is that my experience drastically changes from day to day, from hour to hour.  I could blame this on my frame of mind, my fatigue level, the settings on my CI, the person speaking, amount of background noise etc....that is a whole new list. 
   
Things change so much, so often, that attempting to accurately and concisely capture how things are going is difficult, if not impossible.  A post I would write after a particularly bad day would sound very depressing.  I fear coming across like an ungrateful, negative person.  On the other hand, if I were to write a glowing review of all the amazing progress I have made - this would offer up a skewed perception of my reality.  Although, it would be what most of you would want to hear. 

On top of all that, I have so much to say, that the thought of attempting to put it down on paper is overwhelming.  One of these days I will tackle it! 

For now - I have decided to try to answer a question that was asked of me the other day:

"If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?" 

I think the answer might surprise many people.  I think I surprised myself!

The first thing that would come to most people's minds is the obvious: Normal hearing!

But, honestly - it did not even make the top 3.  Many, many things came to mind - being talented in something artistic like music or art, being less clumsy / more athletic, have longer legs, better hair etc.  

Does my hearing hold me back?  Of course it does.  Does it frustrate me?  Yes, on a daily, or even hourly basis.  Does it try the patience of everyone around me?  Well, I don't like to speak for others, but I am pretty sure it does.  

But I wouldn't change it.  My hearing loss has shaped me and enabled me to become the person that I am today.  Perhaps I would be a totally different person if I had been born with normal hearing.  Now that might be an interesting episode of "Sliders"... (for those of you who do not know, this was a television show from the late 90's - about parallel universes).

• Having a hearing impairment forces you to develop an iron clad work ethic.  Having a conversation is like participating in a ping-pong match.  If you try to relax, and lose track for one second - you are playing catch up forever.  Passing an university exam - let alone getting a decent grade - means hours and hours of extra work, of reading more than you need to know from textbooks.  Just in case the teacher mentioned it in class, and you missed it.

• Having a hearing impairment makes you persistent, as well as creative.  I have had to develop some pretty complex strategies in order to communicate - lip reading, "fill in the blank", body and facial language interpretation and many other skills.  However, I admit that I am sometimes guilty of turning to the person next to me to rescue me when I am really stuck.  Sometimes you just have to pick your battles, and know when you need to ask for help.  Which is an important skill in itself.

• Having a hearing impairment makes you a better listener.  This sounds counterintuitive, doesn't it?  The greatest compliment that I have ever been paid is that despite my deafness, I am the best listener that they have ever met.  In a world filled with many many distractions - cell phones, TV, radio, conversations going on around you etc. - I have the ability to tune all of that out to focus on the person in front of me.  Eye contact and giving someone your full attention is sort of required to get through the day when you rely on lip reading.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone whips out their cell phone and starts texting when they are having a conversation with you.  They may be hearing you, but are they really listening?   I sometimes feel like I have to repeat myself more than is necessary to someone who has perfect hearing....because they weren't listening.

• Having a hearing impairment teaches you patience.  You appreciate it when someone takes the time to slow down their speech and make sure you understand them.  So you do the same for others who face their own challenges - whether it may be cognitive, hearing or both.

• Having a hearing impairment makes you unique.  Most of my teachers, classmates, and coworkers over the years immediately remember me.  Hopefully they don't think of me as "that deaf girl"... I have faith that this means that I am special in a good way.

• Having a hearing impairment means you do not take things for granted.  The other day, I read a shocking statistic:

Only a third of deaf children complete high school.  
Out of the deaf individuals who go to college, only a fifth complete their studies.

This makes me sad.  Being deaf comes with many frustrations.  Many struggles.  If you do not have the tools, the persistence, or the support from friends, family and coworkers, it is very easy to give up and fail.  I have been very lucky.  I am thankful.

And I am proud of every single, hard earned achievement in my life.  

Speaking of being grateful - the other day, I was listening to a song with my CI.  "The Scientist" by Coldplay.

This made me cry - not necessarily because of the message of the song, but because I could hear the lyrics with so much more clarity and appreciate the music much more than I could before.

It was like someone took a painting that was composed of smudged charcoal outlines, and filled it in with colour.  

The colours may not be as sharply defined, or as vivid, as they would be for someone with normal hearing - but it made me realize what I have been missing.

And how lucky am I to have this experience?  To be given the opportunity to compare, to recognize and appreciate how much of a miracle it is to be able to hear all of the auditory pleasures that life has to offer.   

A gift that many take for granted, and may not fully understand until it is gone.