Gratitude is the Attitude

It is so easy to fall and sink into a quick sand pit of negativity.  I usually end up mired in this when my hearing performance is not measuring up to my personal expectations or hopes.

Some examples:

• Being asked the question: "Can you hear that?".  When a song is playing, or you are watching a movie.  Compounded by the person's disappointed / confused face when you let them down.

• Not being able to follow along and contribute during an informal social group conversation. Usually held in a darkened room with people sitting or standing in various positions, which makes it extremely difficult to lip read effectively.  Kind of like being in a ping pong match.  Maybe without a paddle, so you have to keep running after the ball.

• Having to ask someone to repeat themselves because they've said something really quickly, or while standing behind or beside you.  Resulting in them giving you the "look" (especially if they do not realize you are deaf).  You know the one...

The more you think about what you should be able to do, or what you wish you could do ... the further you sink.  And the more negative self talk occurs.  A couple of drops turns into a downpour.

Wanted : High Definition Hearing

It has been ten months since my cochlear implant was activated on May 17, 2013.   And four months since I have last updated this blog.

I have read many CI blogs, and most people stop updating after about six months.  There is a reason for this: in general, at this point, things tend to level off and you hit the dreaded "plateau".  The CI becomes less of a novelty, and more a part of your everyday life.  You start taking it for granted.  Sounds which you were previously so surprised and overjoyed to hear,  stop being so special.  Then you start focusing on what you can not do.

I continually try to remind myself that I am performing far better than I did with hearing aids.  When I take my CI off, and wear only my remaining hearing aid, I am appalled at the quality of sound.  I am amazed that I was able to survive for over 30 years with the quarks, squarks, and static that my hearing aid emits.   I feel grateful for the CI, and all the auditory milestones I have achieved in the past 10 months.

However, when I have to say "pardon?" yet again, when speech blurs into an incomprehensible mishmash of sound, or when I get that "look" when I have misheard something (hearing impaired folks will know what I mean), I inevitably sink into a pit of negativity.

I was aware going into this that a CI would not be a magic hearing bullet.  However, I still hold out the hope that I will eventually be transformed into a "normal" hearing person.

No such luck.