Gratitude is the Attitude

It is so easy to fall and sink into a quick sand pit of negativity.  I usually end up mired in this when my hearing performance is not measuring up to my personal expectations or hopes.

Some examples:

• Being asked the question: "Can you hear that?".  When a song is playing, or you are watching a movie.  Compounded by the person's disappointed / confused face when you let them down.

• Not being able to follow along and contribute during an informal social group conversation. Usually held in a darkened room with people sitting or standing in various positions, which makes it extremely difficult to lip read effectively.  Kind of like being in a ping pong match.  Maybe without a paddle, so you have to keep running after the ball.

• Having to ask someone to repeat themselves because they've said something really quickly, or while standing behind or beside you.  Resulting in them giving you the "look" (especially if they do not realize you are deaf).  You know the one...

The more you think about what you should be able to do, or what you wish you could do ... the further you sink.  And the more negative self talk occurs.  A couple of drops turns into a downpour.

It has been 14 months since I began this journey, which has had many highs and lows.  Lately, it seems like the lows have outnumbered the highs, and I am constantly trekking uphill towards the pinnacle of normal hearing.  Sometimes that pinnacle feels like it's unsurmountable, shrouded in clouds, the Mount Everest of hearing.

And then you see people whizzing past you at top speed, and reaching that peak, perhaps even doing a few loops around you.  Those who have "rock star" activations.  Amazing, inspirational stories where they were able to talk on the phone the day after their CI activation.  Kind of like this...

During those times, it is very hard to maintain perspective and not compare yourself to others.  All you want is to just coast, and have things come naturally and easily.

If you were to ask me if I am still happy that I embarked on this journey, I would say without question - absolutely.  I am so thankful that this technology exists which has provided me with access to sound in a way that hearing aids never could.

Thankful.  A good word.  I found a quote from Oprah Winfrey which really resonated with me:

I try to remind myself of this when I am indulging in a pity party.

Some things I am grateful for .... (for future reference)

• CI technology.  A few days ago, my CI died for several hours.  Thankfully, it is still under warranty, so a new one is in the mail.  During this time, I had to rely on my hearing aid.  My first reaction?  "How the heck did I survive for 34 years with this mess?".  If sound could be tasted, it was like devouring the most delicious chocolate cake (with ice cream) after a year long diet when I finally got it working.  There is nothing like deprivation to make you appreciate what you have, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like enough.

Body Aid

• Being born during a time when I do not have to rely on these vintage hearing aids.   Can you imagine the logistics of carrying an ear horn in your purse?  Or sticking that body aid down your bra?  Living in this age of technology, I also have access to things like the internet, email, text, instant message relay, closed captioning.  How lucky am I?

Ear horn

• Furthermore, with my profound hearing loss, I would likely have been relegated to an institution, a school for the deaf.  Written off to a life of little to no education and manual labour.

• Most of all, I am grateful to have a wonderful, supportive network of family, friends, coworkers, and fellow CI recipients to share this journey with me and provide support along the way.  Even when my feet are dragging and I am complaining every step of the way.

At the end of the day, I am doing so much better than I was before.  I need to remind myself of this when I am focused on what I am not able to do.  

Man, that Oprah Winfrey sure is wise.